


For a moment I felt so afraid (Just to show you the mess that I made)

by Itwillconquer (AtlanticsMarine)



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, lucas is in a lot of pain and trying to sort his feelings out, post 3x05, trying to make sense of what I just saw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 09:09:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17895626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtlanticsMarine/pseuds/Itwillconquer
Summary: The anger, the wrath, the pure and unfiltered hatred - for whom he doesn’t know anymore - vanished a while ago, as fast as it first took hold of his body, and now he just feels empty.





	1. When the Night is Coming Down on You.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I have not been writing in like 2 years but yesterday's clip made me feel so much I had to. This will be in two parts, and it will be a happy fix-it I swear.  
> I hope you will enjoy reading it.  
> The title of the chapter is from Through the Dark by One Direction.  
> The title of the work is from Easy my Mind by Ben Platt  
> It is un-beta'd so sorry for all the mistakes.
> 
>  And don't forget, l'amour gagne toujours.

_"I have loved the stars too fondly to be scared of the dark."_

       Sarah Williams

     He doesn’t know how long he stays there, cradling his hand to his chest. He should go and have it checked out. The thought disappears as quickly as it came though, and he is once again alone, on the cold pavement, unable to move, unable to think. The anger, the wrath, the pure and unfiltered hatred - for whom he doesn’t know anymore - vanished a while ago, as fast as it first took hold of his body and now, he just feels empty. He should have seen it coming. It was always like this, with him. The same old story. To think that last week, he let himself believe, for even one night, that he was deserving of love. That this boy, this wonderful wonderful person could even take a liking to him, could even want him as much as Lucas did, well this was maybe his greatest mistake. He should have known. He should have known better. He was not a good person, not by a long shot. He hurted Emma, he played with Chloe, he let his friends down time and time again. He didn’t derserve it. Life isn’t a romantic movie. Eliott was never going to be his happily ever after and he should have known better.  
The rain starts and Lucas’ mouth twists in some ressemblance of a smile. Of course. One week ago, rain was the most beautiful thing, and the distant memory makes his skin tingles. It washed away the doubt, the self-hatred, it made him feel clean for the first time in forever, but now? Now it just makes him feel like he is drowning.

     He is in the water and there is no way but down,he will probably never make it out alive. His whole body is alight with pain, and the one in his hand is the least painful of it.

All the things he kept bottling up and up and up, the things he put way in boxes, never to be opened again, everything is out in the open now and he cannot deal. No one ever warned him, no one ever told him that life could hurt this bad. He feels dizzy. He wants to cry but he is just too exhausted.

  
     He tries to stand up but he realizes he has nowhere to go. No-one is waiting for him, no one is wondering where he is. He has never felt more alone in his entire life. Yann, Arthur, Basile, Mika, his parents, everything, he blew it all away. It is strangely freeing, in a way he cannot put into words. He has nothing left but that also means he has nothing to lose. And isn’t it what he always wanted? To stop loosing people?

  
     He sags back against the door and he closes his eyes. The sobs come before he can really stop them, not that he actually cares anymore. Each one is louder, each one hits harder than the one before. Each one is a fucking knife to the heart, twisting again and again until there is nothing left but a bloody hole. Now that he let it all go, now that his last wall crumbled into dust, well everything comes out. Lucas cries in the middle of the street like he never cried before. He cries for Eliott, yes, but he also cries for the little boy that was left alone, unable to take care of a mother he still loves more than anything but cannot save, for the boy who is deadly afraid of the dark, for the boy who never wanted anything more than to feel loved, for the boy who loved too much, too fast. It feels like grief, it feels like fire, it feels like hell. He cries, and he cries, and he cries, and the sobs never stops. He is not so certain that he will ever be able to stop crying anymore. He grieves for the life that could have been, the mistakes he made; he grieves for the father he will never have. He grieves for the boy who had to grow up too fast and the boy he will never be able to be again.

  
_________________________

 

     The street is deadly silent except for Lucas’ sniffling. The sobs finally stopped some times ago and left nothing in their wake but red puffy eyes, shallow breathing, and an exhausted small figure hunched up on the edge of the pavement. Face hidden in his knees, trying to wish away the whole world, Lucas is gathering strenght to stand up and walk. He knows he can stay there forever. He knows he has to go home but the word left a bad aftertaste in his mouth. Can one calls the makeshift bed in the middle of the living-room «home»? He has to go anyway, and that’s the only place he has.

     The fifteen minutes walk to the flat are not that bad, mostly because he feels numb to everything around him. He punches in the code for the door and start climbing the stairs. He does not feel like taking the lift. He tells himself it’s because he doesn’t want to face the mirror inside of it, doesn’t want to look at himself; but deep down he knows that he will not take it tomorrow, or Monday, or next week, or next month either. Eliott kissed him inside this very same lift, last week, when they were going up to his flat, wet as fuck and happy as ever and he doesn’t want ... He will just take the stairs.

  
     He drags himself to the door but stops dead in his tracks when he hears voices inside. He was supposed to be alone. He doesn’t want to face anyone right now. He panics for a moment but then he forces himself to breath. He can hear more voices, and they don’t belong to Mika and Manon alone. They sound panicked and he hears his name somewhere but for the life of him, he can’t comprehend what’s happening. He is pretty sure he hears Arthur’s voice, and Yann’s too which doesn’t make any sense. Are they here so they can scream at Lucas one more time? To punch him? Someone speaks up to try and make all of the voices calm down. Imane. But her voice is shaky, she doesn’t sound like himself. There is a feeling in her voice that Lucas’ can’t quite place, like she is scared. It doesn’t make any sense. She maintains silence for all of 10 seconds, but suddenly everyone starts talking again.

     Lucas thinks for a moment that he should just go, he sees himself taking the stairs back down and just leave altogether but he can bring himself to. He has to face it. Whatever they have to say to him, they can do it now. Nothing can bring someone down when they’ve already hit rock bottom. Maybe they will scream at him, throw him out of the flat but at least it will be done. For the first time in a while, Lucas doesn’t run away. He is so, so, so tired of running. So he opens the door and try to put on a brave face.


	2. We will find a way through the dark.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is Arthur’s voice that cuts through the silence. It is soft but Lucas hears it clearly: “Let me take care of that”. Take care of what? Lucas doesn't know, but when Arthur takes a step towards him, Lucas recoils. Someone lets out a tiny gasp somewhere and Lucas’ eyes snaps up. Arthur’s face is sad. It didn’t make sense. He is supposed to be angry. Everyone in this room has a reason to scream at him and yet they don't. Arthur’s takes Lucas’ bloody hand in his and carefully looks at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not as happy with this chapter but I still wanted to post it. I wrote part III before this part and I had troubles finishing it, there are so many things to be fixed.  
> I just know it is very fluffy and not really likely that everything get fixed with his friends' like this but one can dream. There is a lot of healthy communication in this chapter so I think that's good. Talk to your friends peeps, explains what's hurting you.  
> Also very sorry, but I'm bad at dialogue.  
> The quotes at the beginning of the chapter is from the Spoken Word Poem "Origin Story", one of my fave poem ever. If you have time, you can click on the title to go listen to it!
> 
> More notes at the end of the chapter.

    

> _But they could tell you how rare friendship always is._
> 
> _The chances are slim._
> 
> _The cards are always stacked against you, the odds are always low._
> 
> _But I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both._
> 
> _I want to share every single one of your sunshines and save some for later._
> 
> _I will tuck them into my pockets so I can give them back to you when the rains fall hard._
> 
> _Friend -_
> 
>  
> 
> _Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye, [An Origin Story](x)_

 

As soon as he opens the door, all the voices quiet down. He doesn’t really know what to do with himself and so he keeps his eyes glued to the floor. In the corner of his eyes he could see his hand, still bleeding, and tiny drops falling into the carpet. Mika is going to be pissed. Even more pissed at him that he already was and that was saying something.

No one is talking. In the back of his mind, Lucas thinks absently that he isn't the only one at loss for words anymore, but it doesn't make him feel better.

     It is Arthur’s voice that cuts through the silence. It is soft but Lucas hears it clearly: “Let me take care of that”. Take care of what? Lucas doesn't know, but when Arthur takes a step towards him, Lucas recoils. Someone lets out a tiny gasp somewhere and Lucas’ eyes snaps up. Arthur’s face is sad. It didn’t make sense. He is supposed to be angry. Everyone in this room has a reason to scream at him and yet they don't. Arthur takes Lucas’ bloody hand in his and carefully looks at it.

Without breaking eye contact with Lucas, he asks the room at large:

\- "Do you have a first aid kid?"

It is Mika who answers, even though he was supposed to be partying right now. Why was he back?

\- “In the bathroom, under the sink”

\- “Ok, I’m going to clean his hand. Someone go find me some ice. Maybe it’s also a good time for hot chocolate”.

    Everyone starts doing something while Arthur leads Lucas to the bathroom. The girls were there too, and the flat looks crowded. No one seems to mind, though.

     Arthur sits Lucas down on the edge of the bathtub and takes out the first aid kit from under the sink, kneeling in front of Lucas to clean his hand. He is methodical and soft and Lucas remembers that it is what Arthur wants to do, after his bac. He wants to be a doctor, for kids. He will be good at it. Lucas feels the need to say something, anything. The silence is getting to him. He just doesn't know how to explain everything, how to make it alright. He doesn’t want to lose the boys.

\- "I’m sorry, Arthur." Lucas doesn’t recognize his own voice. It is strained, and rough.

\- "It’s okay, Lulu." There is no hesitation in Arthur’s voice. No anger, either.

\- "No it’s not Arthur. I should never have hit you like that. I’m sorry. I broke your glasses, I swear I will pay you back for them, I just have to ask my father, it might take some times but I will pay you back. I’m really sorry, you were right, I was being a dick, like always and I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know you hate me but I... I ..." Lucas started to get more and more work up and he couldn’t bring himself to breath. He just had to explain to Arthur, maybe he would understand and not turn his back on him, maybe if he paid him back Arthur would stop hating him... His thoughts process is cut short by Arthur’s voice though, disbelieving but also soft. Like he is talking to a scared child. Maybe that what he is, after all.

\- "Lucas, what the fuck. I don’t hate you. I’m the one who is going to apologize right now, not you." Arthur voice is kind but firm and yet Lucas still doesn't get it.

\- "You have nothing to apologize for, I blew it all away."

Arthur stops wrapping Lucas’ hand and tries to catch Lucas’ eyes.  

\- "Lucas look at me please." His glasses are taped back together with sparkly washi tape, and in any other circumstances Lucas would probably have laughed. Right now, it just fuels his guilt.

\- "I should not have said what I said back then. It was out of line. I was pissed off at you and it wasn’t fair to talk about your family like that. I know there is something you’re not telling us about this situation and it’s your right. I should have asked, made it clearer: Lucas you can talk to me. I’m your friend, and I will be here for you. I’m worried about you. We all are. Please, you have to let us help you."

\- "He is right you know." Yann’s voice adds itself to the conversation. Arthur and Lucas turn around sharply to see Yann and Basile standing in the doorway. Yann is holding a bag of frozen nuggets, that he gives to Arthur. The latter immediately puts it on Lucas hand. He doesn’t register the pain, too focused on the other boys.

\- “We are here to help you, bro. We can’t do that if you don’t let us in.”

Lucas mulls the words over. They’re right, he knows they are, but some part of him can’t let go. The first step is excruciating, he feels it in his bones, the deep seated panic. His eyes searches his friends’. He sees nothing there but support. Love. Unwavering, unfiltered affection. Even after everything, they’re here for him. He has so much to explain, so much to tell them, he doesn’t know where to start.

Before he can even begin his sentence, Basile speaks up. Given the expressions on Yann and Basile’s faces, he is not the only one surprised by this turn of event. It is Basile’s reaction he is most scared of. But Basile surprises him, which seems like the main theme of the little party they got going tonight.

“- We know we haven’t been good friends, lately, Lucas. And we need to talk more about that later. Alexia told us when we met here that we should pay more attention to you and less to what girls are doing. She really made her point. They were some curses and I think a veiled threat or two. It was really impressive. You’re important for the girls and we’re sorry it took them kicking our asses to realize we’ve been out of line, for a lot of stuff. I swear, Lucas, you can talk to us. You’re our Lulu. Our bro. Just, tell us.”

Lucas doesn’t really take the time to dwell on everything Basile just said, he feels the words forming before he can realize it. He’s been holding them inside of him for so long. He remembers moments when he wanted to tell them. It always ended up in moments made of maybe, and nearly, and never took the chance. He knows Chloé stole this moment from him earlier, stole his truth and made it public. He knows she was hurt, but he doesn’t think she has the right to do that.

     Anyways, he wants to be the one who tells it to the boys. He jumps, head first, without so much as a backward glance, not taking the time to grief for the things that will never be the same after that. He knows young boys. He knows society, and what they teach them. He is the poster child for fucked up view on homosexuality, just ask Mika. He knows the boys are going to change around him, even if they don’t realize it. But he just has to tell them. Maybe it could actually help. The deep tiredness that overcomes him earlier in front of the door comes back and he is tired of keeping it in, away from his friends. So he tells them. No artifice, nothing but the truth.

\- “I’m gay?” No it’s wrong, it sounded like a question. This is not a question anymore. He tries again, more confidently this time, even is his voice is still a whisper by the end of the sentence. “I’m gay.”

     He doesn’t avert his eyes, looking at the boys like he is daring them to say something. But they just smile. Arthur is the first to hug him, and then Basile comes over and adds himself to the hug. Lucas holds eyes with Yann for a while longer. Yann is smiling at him with something Lucas doesn’t recognize. It’s after Yann mouths to him the words, looking him straight in the eyes before joining the hug that Lucas finally get what Yann is feeling: pride. That’s new, Lucas thinks. It’s been a long time since someone look at me like this. _“I’m proud of you.”_

    The hug is uncomfortable and a little awkward because of the position they are in so they quickly let go. But the feeling stays with Lucas. He thinks that it will stay with him for a while. He feels better knowing that the boys are in his corner, no matter what.

\- “Thank you for telling us, Lulu. Thank you for trusting us.” Yann is talking again, and the two other boys are nodding along. “Now, I just have one last question.” His eyes get serious again and Lucas braces for the worst. Maybe it was too good to be true after all. But Yann reaches for his shoulder and squeezes it. Lucas relaxes. “Who broke your heart? I'm gonna need names. I just wanna talk.”

There are 10 seconds of silence. All of the boys looking at Yann. It starts with Basile, a snort he tries really hard to suppress. Arthur is next, biting his lips to conceal the smile threatening to take over his face. Then it’s Lucas, who groans. There is nothing funny about what happened with Eliott, but seeing Yann ready to kick ass is so irresistibly hilarious that he can’t help himself, and soon the four boys are dissolving into laughter.

It takes them a while to stop laughing, but Lucas doesn’t care. It feels so good to be able to laugh a little. It feels like life is breathing back into his lungs, into his mind. The laughter finally subsides and all is left is four boys with crinkling eyes looking at each other. Maybe they don’t realize it yet, but this is a turning point in their friendship, and Lucas is not so sure anymore that the changes he expected are going to be so bad.

They’re boys, yes, and they learn bad, stupid shit. But they are 17 and they love each other, and maybe it’s enough to learn to do better. Maybe it is all they can do, learn to be better. Lucas has made mistakes, time and time again, but he believes, right now, at this very instant, that maybe he could forgive himself for these mistakes. He hurt people, and he hurt himself and there are things that he can’t take back. Maybe he can go forward though. He feel something like hope takes hold of his body, and he takes a big breath. It feels like breathing fresh air after being stuck into water for so long. It feels like new beginning. If feels like change.

     He asks the boy for a moment alone in the bathroom, so he can wash away the dirt and the shame, and the hurt. It is still clinging to his body like a second skin, and he knows a shower will not make it all better. But it can helps.

    It’s Alexia who brings him new clothes. He is wearing Mika’s bathrobe and cleaning the last trace of blood on his face when she knocks on the door. He lets her inside the bathroom. She hugs him. He doesn’t know her that well but he lets himself be hugged. Alexia is the sun. She is warm, and nice, and she doesn’t judge you. She wants to help and Lucas is so glad to have her in his corner.

    She knows, he thinks, and it’s a relief. She knows, he thinks, and maybe she can explain to me. Maybe she can show me. She knows, and if I ask, I know she will be here. She gives him the clothes and winks at him before turning back to the door. She hesitates on the doorway and Lucas wonders what it is that she is afraid of telling him. She turns back and looks him in the eyes. Her smile is kind, and her eyes shows a fierceness, a confidence that Lucas can’t help but be jealous of.

\- “Lucas, before you go in I just wanted to tell you. We were all super worried about you. We saw you when you left the party and we knew that something was wrong. We heard Chloé, you know. It’s not my place to ask you, or to tell you what to say, what to do. But if it’s true, I just wanted you to know that we will be here for you when Monday comes and assholes try to make you feel less than. I want you to know that. We will all be here for you."

“-It’s true.” Lucas doesn’t even realize he is saying it before he is. He trusts Alexia. And, well, with Chloé, everyone is going to know anyway. “What Chloé said it’s true. She was mad at me and she wanted to... I don’t know what she wanted actually but she was right. I was a dick to her. Even worse than a dick. I played with her and now well, every actions has consequences.” He tries to smile but giving the look that Alexia throws at him, he knows he missed his mark by quite a bit. She looks angry and disgusted.

“- I want you to listen to me, and to listen to me carefully Lulu. What Chloé did was not alright, not by a long shot. No matter how much someone hurt you, you never, never, never out someone like she did to you. It is dangerous. I don’t care how much you hurt her, it’s never going to be ok. You were a dick to her, I agree and I think we can all agree on that. But this thing she did was petty, and mean, and dangerous. She doesn’t get to do that, she doesn’t get to take away this from you. You need to know that” Alexia is getting more and more fired up the longer she talks. She looks like she is ready to go and kick some ass. It’s a beautiful feeling, to have friends ready to kick some ass because someone hurt you. To have friends ready to call you out on being a dick in the same breath they use to tell you they’re here for you.

   Lucas is overwhelmed, once more, and so he just nods. Alexia lets him alone to dress up and he takes the time he has to breath. This night seems endless and he just wants to go to sleep now. The time he had to talk with his friends, to realize they were not mad at him, that they were going to work it through were a balm on his aching everything but nothing could make his heart stop from hurting.

   From the very beginning, Eliott was at the forefront of his mind and he couldn’t chase the thought. He has his friends and he was glad. But he wants Eliott more than anything. He feels a little guilty at the thought, like a spoiled kid that didn’t get everything he wanted. Yet, he can't let the feeling go. He wants Eliott so much it hurts and he knows there was nothing he could do to get him back.

    The smell of pizza brought him back to the moment. He quickly changes into the new clothes Alexia gave him and goes to the living room.

    When he arrives, he stops dead in his tracks. The room has been transformed in a giant bed and all of his friends are lounging around in pajamas, eating pizzas and drinking chocolate. Blankets and pillows are thrown haphazardly on the floor. Everyone stops what they are doing when Lucas enters the room and there is an awkward moment when no one says anything.

Its Imane who breaks the silence, smiling at Lucas: “We thought we would have a giant sleepover here tonight. We were going to watch some movies and talk and eat sweets. You’re in?” Lucas wants nothing more than to sleep but something in him know he needs this more. The friends, the love, the laughs and the chocolate.

Rather than answering, he sits down in the middle of the mattresses, between Manon and Mika and he reaches for a cup of hot chocolate. As soon as he sat down, Manon came cuddling next to him. Everyone cheered and start debating which movie they were going to watch.

Manon is watching him, though, and he can sense her. He had shut her out so many times and yet she is still there, like an annoying older sister. He never had a sister, but with Manon, he thought he could get used to the feeling. He could be the annoying little brother to whom she can confides in in return.

    He doesn’t know how long it was gonna take, but he knew he would heal, with time. He has his friends, and his makeshift family. He has his mom, even though it still is complicated and the rest, well, he will just figure it out as he goes. After all, it kind of worked out for him until now.

                                                                       ________________________________________________________________________

    After everyone else had already fallen asleep, much later, Lucas is still thinking about Eliott. He is still so angry at him, and the longer he thinks about it, the more he wants to confront the older boy. But then, Arthur throws his arm around Lucas in his sleep, and Lucas chuckles softly. The dude was a real octopus. Eliott leaved his mind for a little while and Lucas settles back, his head close to Manon's.

Leaving behind the hurt, the pain, the anger Lucas stops for a moment and just takes it all in.

He is safe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is, I hope you liked it.  
> For the coming out scene(s) I drew from my own experiences, and the feelings of Lucas were mine at the time, so I hope you like it.  
> And lastly, I don't really like Basile as of right now but I do think he can learn from his mistakes if he is told what he is doing is wrong and if he educates himself. That's just my opinion though and I'm trying to show that. As for Chloé, well, no one should ever out someone, no matter how hurt you are. She has every right to be hurt, but the way she handled Lucas Friday was wrong on so many levels. I hope it will be adressed in the show.  
> Part III is already written so tell me if you still want to read it :)  
> Hope you all like it, tell me in the comments and I love you all.


	3. You tell me that you hurt, it's all in vain (But I can see your heart can love again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ask me again"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, I'm back with more. I wanted to post it tomorrow but I will not be able to, and I want it to be up before the new clips get out (hopefully we will have one tomorrow)  
> This one is Eliott & Lucas reunion, and I tried to make it soft, because we all need soft in our lives.  
> I hope you will enjoy it.   
> More notes at the end :)

> _I realise I realise ain't gotta hide this heart of mine_
> 
> _I'm gonna fight just to let you know_
> 
> _to open your light and let it glow_
> 
> _So if you want to kiss the boy_
> 
> _then you better kiss the boy right now_
> 
> _You ain't gotta be afraid of the words you want to say_
> 
> _right now_
> 
> _'Cause love is a game_
> 
> _we deserve to play out loud (We deserve our love)_
> 
> _Keiynan Lonsdale - Kiss The Boy_

 

 

     The sky is already pink and orange when Lucas exits his last class of the day. He waves goodbye to Arthur, but Arthur actually comes over to hug him. They've all been extra affectionate with him, and something in Lucas is quietly pleased, awed maybe, that even after him coming out, the boys haven't shyed away from physical affection.

  - "See you tomorrow, Lulu. You know where to find me if you need anything." Arthur winks at him and disappears to go catch his bus. Lucas makes his way to the foyer. He promised the girls he would come to the meeting tonight. It would just be the girls and him, and he is pretty sure it's more for his sake than for the project. He missed the one the day before because he went with Arthur to pick his new glasses.

   He takes a minute, in the middle of the empty courtyard, to feel overwhelmed by the love he has been receiving for the last few days. It doesn't solve everything and he is still has many things to work through, but feeling so steadily supported is really such a new feeling. He decided that he absolutely adored it. He's been craving it for so long and allowing himself to finally be helped was so liberating.

   Checking his phone for new messages from the girls, he takes a left without even looking up and finds himself at the door of the foyer. It is closed and he can hear music coming through the door. It's a piano piece, soft. He recognizes it immediately and his breath hitches. Without really realizing it, Lucas pushes the door.

   Even though he kind of knew it would be Eliott in the foyer, it still catches him off guard. Eliott has his back to him and he is seemingly so focused on what he is doing that he doesn't hear the intrusion. Lucas takes off his bag and gently put it down near the couch. The music keeps playing and Lucas allows himself to go back to the night he played this very same piece to the boy in front of him. He had been so careless, so free. Eliott had made him come alive.

But as his mind goes back to the foyer, to right now, all Lucas can feel is anger and sadness. He gave Eliott a lot of himself and the older boy just took it and left him with no explanations. For the second time in three days, Lucas decides not to run away, not to leave and let Eliott finish without noticing him.

He needs this. He needs the confrontation, the closure. He needs to know what happened, why Eliott left him without even a single remorse. Before he can make his presence known, though, Eliott turns around to grab a new brush. His tee-shirt is adorned with paint and he has some pink on his cheek. His mouth is turned down in a frown and in the soft light of the evening sky, he looks...sad. His eyes are red, his hair a mess and he looks defeated.

This angers Lucas even more, for some reason. He has no right to look like this. He is the one who cut all ties, the one who went back to Lucille, the one who tore his heart apart. He has no fucking reason to be sad.

Eliott raises his eyes suddenly aware that someone else is in the room and when he catches Lucas’s eyes his whole face lights up and crumbles down at the same time, as if it was acting of its own accord, betraying Eliott’s feelings. His eyes look at Lucas and Lucas feels naked, uncomfortable. But it’s Eliott who averts his eyes first, unable to even look Lucas in the eyes. He catches the wrapped hand and his head snaps right back up.

Before he seems able to comprehend that he is talking, Eliott opens his mouth:

   “-What happened to your hand? His voice is nothing but a whisper. He clears his throat and repeats the question a little bit louder.

Lucas doesn’t want to answer at first, doesn’t want to enter whatever dance this is about to become. He knows how it works now, but he wants answers. He may have told his friends that he would easily go over it, but he knows it is not true. Eliott was something else. Not because he was his first, but because he was Eliott. And that had counted for something, once. So Lucas answers.

   “-Hurt myself after the party on Friday”. His voice is cold and detached and for a second he marvels at his ability to sounds the opposite of what he feels inside. He guesses he had more training the past year than he realized.

   “-What party?” Eliott looks like he knows the answer already, like he is just checking to confirm something.

   “-The one you went to with Lucille. You looked happy together. I would tell you I’m happy for you, but that would be a lie”. Still with this detached voice.

   “- I...” Eliott can’t finish his sentence before Lucas interrupts him. This time, his voice is a little shaky, a little pleading and he hates himself for it.

   “-Why did you do that Eliott?Why did you even played with me like this? What is some kind of game to you?”

   “-No. No it was not a game to me, Lucas. I just, I told you, it went too fast and I...” .

Eliott puts the brush down and grabs his jacket. He looks like he wants to bolt out of here but Lucas cannot let him. Because he wants his explanation but also because, even if he has a hard time accepting this, he missed talking with Eliott so bad. He missed him and now he knows it’s his last chance to spend some time with the boy, even if it hurts, even if it is all wrong. At least they’re talking. He knows that it will be over after this.

  “-Oh cut the crap Eliott. You can’t even look at me when you’re talking. You owe me this. You owe me an explanation and not the kind you’re trying to give me right now.”

  “-I can’t... It’s better this way.” Eliott makes a move to go and Lucas’ anger gives way to some kind of desperate fury.

  "- I took you for a lot of things, Eliott, but I never imagined you would be a coward."

Eliott visibly recoils.Lucas can’t quite believed himself. It’s a low blow and he knows it. The sick pleasure he feels at hurting the boy in front of him is short lived. This is not him. He can’t let himself become like this. But it’s too late. Eliott’s face goes through so many emotions in a few seconds. Hurt, anger, surprise. It settles on shame and Lucas is taken aback.

   “-I am, though. I’m sorry Lucas.”

Once again, he makes a move to go but Lucas is quicker and steps back in front of the door. The two boys eyes meet and it’s as if nothing ever existed before, and nothing will ever exist after. It is just them, in a room that is getting darker by the minute, the sun finally settling down for the night. Neither of them bothered to turn on the lights.

   “-Talk. To. Me. Eliott.” Lucas enunciates each words, put everything he has in them. He is pleading, he is begging, he is ordering, he doesn’t know anymore. He just needs to understand.

Eliott held down his head. They are still so close that it nearly comes resting on Lucas’ shoulder, and Lucas yearns for the touch. Even after everything, having Eliott so close to him is comforting. The older boy sounds defeated when he speaks.

   “-I know I shouldn’t have done that, Lucas. I know. I miss you and I know you will probably not believe me this time around, but I do. I regretted the text as soon as I send it but it was better this way. For you, for me.”

  “-You went back to Lucille. I saw you kissing her. If you missed me, you wouldn’t have done that.” 

  “-I shouldn’t have.” Eliott finally looks at him and Lucas’ can see the tears in the eyes of the boy in front of him. Eliott’s voice is still steady when he talks though. It has no emotions in it, like he is trying to detach himself to not crumble up. He keeps going though. “We actually broke up, again I guess, that very same night. We talked all night and well, we agreed that it wasn’t love anymore. It felt forced, and we were destroying what was left of our friendship trying so hard to keep going. She told me that I should talk to you and makes things right. It was one of the first conversation we had in months that didn’t finish in a fight. She knew I wanted to be with you. What I did to her was not nice, or good, or respectful and I know that. But I think she understands why I did it. I think that she forgave me even though I’m not sure I deserved it. So yeah, I’m not with her anymore. I couldn’t, knowing what it was to be with you. I couldn’t go back to her, and I fooled myself thinking that I could.”

    Lucas takes a minute to process of those information. If anything, he is more lost than when the conversation began. Here is Eliott, telling him that he still wants him, or at least he thinks that what’s Eliott is telling him.

   “-I don’t understand Eliott. Why would you not tell me that? Send me a message, come tell me in person. What are you not telling me? There is something you’re not telling me and I’m tired of being left in the dark. Tell me.”

Eliott shakes his head. Once, twice. He looks at Lucas, really looks at him and whatever he is looking for he must finds it because he starts talking again. Except it’s not an explanation, it’s a question, and he thinks he never heard Eliott sounds this small before.

   "- Do you remember what you told me last Wednesday when you came to meet me after your class?"

Lucas’ mind take him back instantly to this day. He had been so happy, so ready to have a bad grade if it meant spending some time with Eliott. He remembers the confusion when Eliott left without a kiss. Something happened during the conversation, Lucas is sure of it now, but for the life of him he can’t remember the specifics. 

    “-I told you about my mom?” It doesn’t make sense, why would Eliott be mad at him because of his mom? 

    “-Yes. Do you remember what you said about her?”

    “-Not really no”. Lucas is confused. What that’s to do with anything? Eliott seems to be struggling to talk more. So Lucas does something he thought he would never get to do again. He takes his hand and let his other one touch Eliott’s cheek. Eliott closes his eyes at the touch and try to pull away but thinks better of it. Lucas feels fire where his skin is meeting Eliott’s and he wants more, but he knows that they need to talk first. He whispers, just for them, just to tell Eliott that he is here, that they will work through it together

     “-It’s okay, Eliott. Tell me” 

     “-You said that you thought your life was better without...” his breath catches and Lucas squeezes his hand once more “without crazy people in it”.

Hearing his words thrown back at him is a punch to the stomach. He shouldn’t have say that. He wants more than anything for his mom to be back in his life. He is trying so hard to have her meet a therapist and takes medicine regularly. He knows intellectually that it is not his mom’s fault. That she is not her mental illness. Still, Eliott seems strangely affected by the words and Lucas still doesn’t get it. It is so frustrating to be missing one piece of the puzzle.

Before he can even ask why Eliott’s is mentioning that, the latter speaks up again. He looks Lucas’ dead in the eyes and take a deep breath.

    “-I’m bipolar, Lucas”. The words come crashing down between them and Eliott visibly deflates, like this single sentence took all of his energy. Lucas is frozen.

So there it is, the last puzzle piece, creating a picture Lucas he is not sure he wants to see, showing him the hurt he inflicted upon the boy in front of him. He was the first one to hurt Eliott, in this story. Now that he has all the pieces, he understands. He gets it now, the text and the kissing Lucille. It doesn’t hurt any less but he understands.

He should never have say that, not only because it hurt Eliott on a scale he can’t even imagine but also because it is not true. It was and will never be true. It was harsh, and insensitive, and mean, and petty. He is sure he wishes it for real when he was younger, but he would never exchange his mom for anything. He knows that now. All of those feelings and thoughts come in waves in Lucas’ mind and he takes a long time to process it. So long that he feels Eliott trying to back away.

He must have thought that his lack of reaction meant Lucas’ didn’t care. So Lucas’ tells him the first thing that comes into his mind to make sure that Eliott stays longer. They can work this through. They have to, because Lucas is not letting him go a second time. He can’t. This absolute certainty washes over him and it helps him focus. He knows now. They will be together. They can be together and Lucas’ is ready to show Eliott that. 

    “-Ask me again.” His voice is steady. It is soft. He tries to convey everything he feels. He close up the gap between their faces and softly bump their forehead together. Eliott looks at him without really understanding. It’s okay, Lucas will make him understand.

    “- The question you asked me that day, about my parents. Please, ask me again.”

    "- “Do you feel like telling it your parents about us?” Eliott sounds unsure, but he asks the question anyway, looking straight into Lucas’ eyes, waiting for his answer.

    "- “Yes, I do. I don’t care about what my father thinks. It’s a little bit more complicated with my mom. She is schizophrenic and she is very religious so sometimes she will send me those texts telling me I will go to hell, and I’m terrified she will stop loving me after I tell her. But I love her more than anything. I called her yesterday, like I do every week. She is trying so hard to get better, now. And I admire her for that. It’s all complicated but my love for her never was and never will be complicated. I love her so much, but sometimes love is not enough to help someone. I was so young Eliott, I am so young, and I couldn’t take care of her anymore. But I love her. And I know she loves me. So I think I’m ready to tell her about us, and maybe you could..." Lucas takes a deep breath "maybe you could come with me".

Eliott never let his stare wavers even for a second, and there is something akin to relief in his eyes. But Lucas is not done yet. He needs to make the boy understands that he is all in.

   “- Ask me again.”

   “- What?”

   “- Ask me again.”

Eliott looks confused but indulges Lucas.

   “ - Do you feel like telling your parents about us?”

   “ - Yes. Because I want to be with you. I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t believe it. But it’s not an excuse, and I truly hope you will forgive me, Eliott. You being bipolar doesn’t change the things we shared, doesn’t change the fact that I want to be with you. I don’t know much about it but I will learn, for you I will learn. I will probably fuck up, but for you, I will try. **Ask me again**.”

Eliott is crying now. He looks at Lucas like it is the first time that he really sees him. Lucas looks back at him, certainty written all over his face. 

   “ - Do you feel like telling your parents about us?”

   “ - Yes, because I love you and I want them to know that.”

Lucas lets the words tumble out his tongue easily. He knows it is fast, he knows they don’t know each other that well yet, but the thing is, they do. They do, and he loves Eliott. He knows it’s love and he doesn’t see why he should keep it inside of him know. His mom always told him that you should tell people you love that you love them. So he does.

Eliott is frozen, his eyes are searching Lucas’ face once again, looking at him like he can’t quite believe what he just heard. So to be sure he really hears what Lucas is saying, Lucas repeats it, putting his mouth next to Eliott’s ear. “I love you, Eliott”. The smile starts tiny, just a twitch of his mouth, as if he is scared to show the impact Lucas’ words has on him. But it grows quickly, and soon it takes over his whole face. It’s like watching the sun rises on Eliott’s face. 

     " - Can I kiss you?" Eliott asks like he knows the answer but wants to make sure, one last time. It sounds like it is not the only question he is asking, not the only request he is making.

Lucas smiles, tip his head up and tells him:

     " - Please"

It feels like coming home.

 ___________________________________________________________________________

   The girls never show up and Lucas is pretty sure they did it on purpose. He doesn’t have it in him to be mad, because he knows they are right. They just needed to talk. So, they talk. Eliott takes Lucas back to his flat and they talk. He apologizes for letting Lucas down with a text. They both want to make it right, they both want to start on solid foundations. It is clears in the way they discuss everything that they’re starting something big, something beautiful. Not just a fling, not a casual relationship. They’re both totally in it. The heavy conversation eventually gives way for lighter stuff, for little stories and bigger one. Lucas ends up telling Eliott how his mom taught him the piano and that he hadn’t play in years before playing for Eliott. Eliott kissed him, then, and thanked him. He begged Lucas to play the same piece again and it took him 2 seconds to convince the boy. So Lucas plays and Eliott smiles

___________________________________________________________________________

   When Eliott enters the foyer one week later to pick up Lucas for their date, he stops dead in his track.

Lucas is sitting on a can of paint, brush in his hand and he is looking at Eliott with apprehension. The girls are there, at the table, and they are trying their best not to move, not to break the moment.

Eliott smiles, and it is the most beautiful sight Lucas has ever seen. He stands up and in a few steps Eliott is in front of him. He bumps his head gently against Lucas’ forehead, as they always do when they see eachother, and the softness of it all makes Lucas breath’s hitches.

Eliott looks at him, straight into his eyes and whisper two little words so fiercely that Lucas can read all the things that it means with them. _"Thank you"_. Thank you for this, and for being here, thank you for everything, really. So Lucas says it back and finally Eliott kisses him.

It is not the first time, and it is not the last time either, but for Lucas every kisses with Eliott feels like the first time, feels like the last time.

They separate when they hear the girls whooping. They smile at each other before turning back to the girls. Manon offers them some cookies before they leave.

Later that night, when Lucas is curled in bed around his boyfriend, he receives a message from Alexia. It’s a picture of Eliott and him from earlier, in the foyer.

You can see both of them, forehead to forehead, smiling so big it looks like it should hurt. But this is not the focus of the picture, though. In the middle, there is the mural Eliott painted, the hedgehog. But it is not alone anymore. He is holding hands with a raccoon and there is a sentence written underneath them, in Lucas’ handwriting.

He first sends the picture to Eliott, who instantly sets it as his phone-screen and then he opens Instagram. He rewrites the sentence of the mural, add an hashtag and posts it. After that, he turns off his phone and cuddle closer to his boyfriend as they debate on the best way to eat strawberries.

He closes his eyes and smiles.

**“L’amour gagne toujours #nofilter”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments, I will answer all of them in the next week, but they were all so nice I think I cried (I'm really an emotional mess)   
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I really hope they will show Eliott and Lucas talking everything out. And I want Lucas to talk about his mom.   
> Here's to hoping that our boys will be back together soon.   
> Lots of love <3


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